Less Than Nothing

ople who shouldn associate with each other. For starters, his aunt signs my checks every week. Thats enough of a reason that we shouldn entangle ourselves in whatever…this is.

Based on his reaction, it seems like thats not the response he was looking for.

Not the response he waited outside my door for God knows how long, for.

But he doesn protest. He just nods slowly, turning his heel towards the door.

”Be good, Alex. ”

His words are heavy. Like hes not telling me to have a nice afternoon, but rather have a nice life.

I don get a chance to respond, because hes already out of the door.

And I don stop him.

”Fuck me, ” I huff, collapsing on the couch. My hands fly over my face, shielding my vision. Despite the fact that I didn say or do anything wrong, I can help but feel like an idiot. Or like I made a huge mistake. Its all so confusing. The only thing Im sure of is that I simply don have time to waste feeling shitty. Not on my day off.

I take a few moments to breathe, before getting up and getting ready for the day.

Once Im done, its about three in the afternoon. If it were up to me I would have started my day much sooner but I needed to pamper myself after the whole Ryan incident. By the time Im finished, Im clean, prim and plucked, ready to take on the busy streets of Manhattan.

–

The heavy sensation on my chest lessens throughout the day, but doesn fully vanish. Not even as I waltz past all of the glorious stores on Madison. Shopping wise though, I did pretty good. A new pair of red bottoms have found a new home in my closet. It was an expensive, impulsive purchase that I justified with my sadness. The Ryan thing is only a small fragment of my discontents with life. As exciting as the move to New York has been, Its been equally draining. I left everything behind, in hopes of reinventing myself…to transform into the woman Ive always wanted to be. When I left home, I was sure that I was supposed to. Now, all that plagues my mind is uncertainty. And above all, I feel so lonely. I thought loneliness was the last thing Id feel in a city with millions of people, but the feeling is the most intense its ever been in my life.

You haven even been here a whole month, I tell myself. It will get better.

Do I believe that? Not entirely. But I replay the affirmation in my mind as I walk up the block, until I end up in front of the bar that Ryan took me to weeks ago. Wilkys.

For a moment, I pause in my tracks, staring at the faded sign. A light wind runs through my hair, while I contemplate entering or not. Its funny, he said this is where he comes when he wants to escape everyone. Here I am, not a single new contact made since I arrived, and yet I find myself pushing open the bars front door anyway.

Its dead tonight. I am literally the only one here. The bartender is also different this time. Once I walk in, Im greeted by an old man behind the bar.

”Hello. ” He greets me warmly, pulling his eyes from the counter in which he was previously wiping down.

”Hi. ” I smile back, and take a seat on the stool, placing my bag on the seat beside me. ”Can I have a shot of Patron and an ice water please? ”

The man acknowledges my order with a nod, and begins to prepare it. Chatty bartenders are not really my favorite, so Im thankful for the mans polite and quiet compliance. I try my hardest to forget about the last time I was here, especially since I just so happen to be sitting in the same exact seat.

To prevent my mood from dropping, I decide to call Grace. I can at least depend on her for some great human interaction. The phone rings a few times, before she answers.

”How quickly can you get on a plane to New York? ” Are the first words that leave my mouth. I don even give her a chance to say hello.

”Mmm, maybe in a month if things at work calm down. ”

I sink downwards into my seat.

”Fuck. ” I whisper. I was slightly serious about flying her out as soon as possible.

”Is everything okay? ” She asks. I can feel her concern through the phone.

”Yeah. I just miss you. ”

My drinks are soon placed in front of me.

”I miss you too, Alex. Everyone misses you. How are things? ”

”Things…are good. Work is good. Just busy. At least I have that to distract me from how much I miss you guys at home. Adrienne will not give me a break. ”

”Have you replaced me yet? ”

”Nobody could ever replace you, Grace. ”

I take a sip of the ice water, leaving the tequila alone for now. Now that I think about it, being sad, drunk and alone in the city isn probably the best idea.

”And nobody could ever replace you, Alex. I get off work in thirty minutes, can I call you when I get home? ”

”Yeah, of course. I love you. ”

”Love you. ”

As I press the button to end the call, the quiet ambiance of the bar is disrupted by shouting.

”Russo! Long time no see! ” Exclaims the previously timid old man. Its like a silent, invisible force plunged into him, igniting such livelihood. He rushes out from behind the bar.

”Wilky! You
e back! ” Says the person on the other side of the room.

A voice I recognize. A voice thats been playing over and over in my head.

My stomach drops to my knees.

Fuck ** **. This is so not what I need right now.

Turning my head slowly and painfully, lo and behold…Ryan is standing by the entrance, chatting up the old man.

I shouldn be surprised. This is his spot after all. If anything, its my attendance thats shocking. Him, and the bartender embrace each other before getting swept up in a conversation.

He doesn notice me yet, so I take the opportunity to stare. He wears a white button down shirt, with the first few buttons undone. Dress pants. Pen behind his ear, laptop clutched under his arm.

Fucking delectable. I swallow hard.

Hes likely coming from work.

The tequila shot in front of me steals my attention momentarily, as I down it without hesitation. I contemplate leaving cash on the counter and sneaking out of the back door, but by the time I look up, its already too late.

He sees me.